Phú Quý Island is home to many unique customs, and perhaps the most distinctive is its marriage tradition. Here, weddings are not ceremonially held—a couple can begin living together simply by mutual agreement. The groom works with his family during the day and returns to sleep with the bride at night. If either family has a significant event—such as a memorial, house construction, or other duties—they may “borrow” the bride or groom to help out for a few days, depending on the situation.
When does the bride officially move in with the groom’s family?
The answer: any time, but under one condition. If the groom’s family wishes for the bride to live with them permanently, and the bride agrees, they must wait for an appropriate occasion—such as a memorial or celebration at the bride’s family—to formally request that she come live with them.
Since the year 2000, as more civil servants and teachers have been assigned to the island from the mainland, a few wedding dress rental and photography shops have appeared. However, for these “newcomers,” the wedding is often just for taking photos and making commemorative videos. The wedding parties typically consist only of candy, tea, and soft drinks—similar to the rationing era. If a wedding is made too extravagant and invitations extended to locals, most wouldn’t attend because it’s unfamiliar to local customs. As a result, modest and simple wedding celebrations have become the norm on Phú Quý Island—an exemplary model of thrift without any formal campaign being necessary.
Traditional Marriage Customs on Phú Quý Island – Then and Now
In the past, marriages followed the traditional saying “parents arrange, children obey,” with formal betrothals leading to marriages. After a betrothal, a couple would typically wait 12 years before an official wedding. Each Lunar New Year, the groom had to present a pig’s head to the bride’s family as part of a ritual. If the couple separated before the 12-year period, they would be punished by village custom. If they lived together prematurely, they would be fined for “rushing love.” If the groom delivered all 12 pig heads and the bride’s family backed out, they would have to repay the groom’s efforts and offerings. If the groom changed his mind after fulfilling the 12-year ritual, he had to provide a full dowry, including clothes and earrings. The village laws were strict, and everyone was expected to comply.
A traditional verse from this custom reads:
“Fulfill the life-giving ritual in full,
Nine cups of wine, four pigs in total:
One for the life-giving celebration,
One to honor the departing bride,
One in gratitude to ancestors,
One in respect to parents who raised her.”
Marriage customs varied between the three communes on the island. In Long Hải and Ngũ Phụng, alongside betel trays and jars of rice wine, a ceremony was held to worship the ancestors (called “phạt bàn thờ”) with offerings like sticky rice and boiled chicken. The bride’s family would also prepare a second tray of betel, a pair of lamps, a small bottle of wine, and 100 silver coins (in earlier times) to submit to the village elders. A marriage certificate was signed before witnesses from both families and the matchmaker (ông “Mai”) before the bride moved in with the groom’s family.
In Tam Thanh, the bride’s family often demanded the groom offer a pair of earrings, a necklace, or clothing. In the “phạt bàn thờ” ceremony, another tray of betel and wine would be added, with two parasols shading the matchmaker and a ceremonial wine jar carried to the bride’s home. A tea party would follow. Finally, the couple would visit and bow in gratitude to the matchmaker and the person who chose the wedding date before returning to the groom’s home.
Over the decades, many of these customs have faded. From post-1975 to 2000, traditional customs were increasingly simplified. Most marriages were arranged through mutual acquaintance or family involvement but did not involve elaborate ceremonies. A simple offering—such as a pair of earrings, a few chickens, and a tray of sticky rice—was enough for both families to meet, introduce their lineages, and recognize the couple’s union. Only around 3–5% of wealthier families held large weddings during this time.
Since 2000, as household economies have improved, more families have chosen to hold formal wedding ceremonies to gain social recognition and pride. Currently, around 90% of couples among local civil servants organize weddings, and about 50% of island residents follow the full traditional procedure with the three ceremonial steps: the proposal visit (dạm ngõ), engagement (lễ hỏi), and wedding (lễ cưới).
One important issue is marriage registration. Before 2000, few couples registered their marriages with local authorities, making it difficult for the government to handle divorces (only about 25% of households were officially registered). After 2005, as the government encouraged retroactive registration, most couples under 60 now have marriage certificates. About 50% of couples over 60, however, remain unregistered.
From a moral and cultural perspective, even before formal marriage laws, divorces were rare—once people began living together, they typically stayed together. But since 2000, divorce rates have increased due to economic hardship or early marriages. These issues highlight the need for regular community education and outreach to promote balanced family values and preserve social ethics.
Nhất Huy – Phú Quý Chronicle, 40 Years
